As Needed...
Sometimes I sit back, look at my life and just straight laugh. I have an incredible life. No I'm not a rock star, no I'm not a corporate CEO. I'm only me, myself. But let me tell you about myself. I've managed to earn 4, yes, count them, FOUR, college degrees. Two of which I paid for all on my own. (yeah, SallieMae and I have a standing montly appointment from now until about 2036) I've managed to live in three states, and two countries, traveled to more than a dozen countries the world over, moved to the craziest city in the whole blessed world, worked in nuclear energy, marketing, the music industry, youth ministry, corporate real estate and federal government policy. *whew* Oh and that's all in the last 10 years. So I guess I've accomplished more since my 17th birthday than in the first 17 years of my life. That's progress and so I suppose that's good.
Now that sounds like a big brag list. It's not. Honestly.
So, what is it if not a narcissistic homage to la vie en Moi? It's a reminder. This world can loom up pretty big, and in the hustle of the life I've chosen to lead, a life of politics and jet-setting for work, long work days, not marrying young, and living 100 miles away from my nearest relative. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm not sure if I know exactly who it is that is staring back through the glass.
Amid all my career paths it would seem to me that God does a funny little thing to remind me of just who I really am. How, you ask? God opens a door and lets a voice from what I perceive to be a more sensical past lifestyle to return into my throng of friends. He's creative in His choices too.
The last person that God put back in my life, goodness only knows I never thought I'd see him again. However his voice had been with me even during the 5 years we'd spent apart. You see, before the music industry was even a part of my world...I still loved music. This man's music and that of his friends, are, now a sonic yearbook for my collegiate experience. Years that, though confusing and difficult in their own ways, were filled with much more laughter than pain. For me, my memories are priceless. And as a writer, I remember them with a sharpness some find uncanny. Personally, I find that music only sharpens the images further. For that gift I am grateful.
I know that God puts people in my life for a season. Some seasons are long, some very, very, short. Others come and go sporadically. My favorites, though sometimes most complicated, are those I call the "As-neededs."
"As-needed" are those people in our life from whom we draw strength, centeredness and a realistic view of who we are now vis-a-vis the person we were the last time they entered our lives. Like living Ebenezers, these people often show us how far we've come, and sometimes, how far we have yet to go.
I have several "As-neededs" in my life. God is very jealous of my time. He knows that these "As-neededs" are often people whose attention and company I crave like a thirsty plant craves cool rain. So what does He do? He gives me their time and them mine, "as-needed."
I think I may be an "As-needed" for many people. Its hard. As such, people tend make use of you like a source from which to draw energy. Any good "as-needed" knows that can be just as enthralling as it is, well, draining. "As-neededs" are people built to give. Conversely, at least in my case, we have a real problem taking for ourselves and the words "No" or "that's enough" are really a challenge to come up with in context.
What a life as an "As-needed" has taught me is how to be an investor. Many people have stocks that they buy and sell with some measure of regularity. Most, if not the lion's share, of stocks are the type that ebb and flow in value with the business cycle. Friendships too have their cash cow times and times of barren restructuring. From the point of view of an "As-needed" who's attention is sought, we have to be so careful how much time we invest in a certain stock...er, person lest it become a losing investment.
Now, be mindful, I'm not trying to objectify emotional and intimate investment into the very dust. I only know that a relationship between people where one is totally dependent or continually drawing from the other person without any switching or time of less dependence lends itself to becoming unhealthy in a hurry.
I'll be the first to point the finger at myself. I'm lucky however. My favorite "As-needed" is sooooo much better at putting distance between us than I am and may ever be. It is why we are still the closest of friends to this day and why I will always feel an extremely logical and healthy kind of love for them.
As the "As-needed," it's so very hard for me to put up a hand and claim a need for distance from the one who I am needed by. In my more recent encounters, I seem to vanish a bit more often as a means of trying to get my point across.
Long described by my family and friends as a defuser, diplomat, intervention specialist, peace-maker...pick your moniker...I'm loathe to butt heads with someone who wants to dictate how much of my time they merit anymore. Perhaps its a function of growing up and growing older, but I find I am not investing in as many people if only for the fact that working for dear Uncle Sam takes a great deal of my time and, in doing so, have learned to empathize with others burdens....not carry them.
You may find it surprising that "As-neededs" have a hard time with forgiveness. What? Why? How? Well I'll tell you. First and foremost, "As-neededs" are very tolerant, patient people nearly and most often up to the point of self-deprication. We are not clingy and are easily spotted as that person you are friends with that you can not see for months, even years, at a time, but when you get back in touch...its as if no time has passed.
But, when someone is daft enough to cross the threshold we set for how much we can bear, they've done something that was either incredibly stupid, tragically cruel or plain old mind-blowingly wrong, wrong, wrong. The mind of the "As-needed" has a really hard time understanding why anyone would NEED to have pushed them to this point and we find its difficult to trust that the offending party will refrain from pushing our envelop on another occassion.
In the event of a wrong, wrong, wrong, forget it, you've lost us, we're outta there...don't call us, we'll call you when we're 6 months removed from the offense. Mercifully that kind of hurt has only happened to me once in my life as an "As-needed" and it was quite a number of years ago. By the way...he has NO idea how good it feels to finally forgive him. However, the ultimate conclusion is that, though he has my complete forgivness, he can count on never having my company, my counsel or my confidence again as long as we both live. It's just better that way.
Yes, that's the hardest thing to learn when you are an "As-needed," knowing when to not be available to certain people again. We love to give; so cutting people out of the picture is against our nature. But, to be fair to ourselves, we have to admit that some alliants or dependants are toxic and no measure of adjustment on our end will fix that or make us feel any less like a public utlity to them.
So what possible up-side is there to being an "As-needed." *wry grin* It's truly an awesome calling. From my vantage point, God's picked, hand-selected, me to trust with dropping into peoples's lives when they are dealing with some of the harder things they have yet encountered. No, its not all sweets and walks in the park. Its a lot of trudging through baggage and guilt and self-loathing. But "As-neededs" are the type which carry candles into the darkest corners of the people we encounter with boldness and sense of purpose. We do it without fear, with little or no expectation for ourselves but with every expectation that we're going to see something amazing happen. And it does, it really does.
But what about when an "As-needed's" time is up. Well, I have come to understand that each "As-needed" has their own type of exit strategy, or, God is pretty bold and plain about the fact that its quittin time. However, "As-neededs" are devoted people, and we can sometimes be pretty thick headed about when we believe its quitting time and what God's concept of time to cut bait actually is. Over-achiever is often a synonym for "As-needed." We're extra-mile people and that can be to our detriment.
I always think of Scott Bakula's character in Quantum Leap. He was the epitome of "As-needed." He would drop into lives at a point of critical mass and need to, with his objective pair of eyes, reason out the tragic flaw or potentially life threatening problem. It was only when that was fixed or accomplished that he would leap to his next situation. Now, in most cases, I've never necessarily helped mitigate lethal circumstances. But I know that objective wisdom can change perspective, and perspective can bring hope. And hope...well that's a priceless gift that we all need.
So I suspect that "As-neededs" are bringers of hope. We honestly and earnestly want the best for those who are in our lives; and, like Scott Bakula, we're searching for those who help bring out the best in ourselves. What an amazing thing to be a person who garners a sense of accomplishment in this way. What a humbling gift.
Now that sounds like a big brag list. It's not. Honestly.
So, what is it if not a narcissistic homage to la vie en Moi? It's a reminder. This world can loom up pretty big, and in the hustle of the life I've chosen to lead, a life of politics and jet-setting for work, long work days, not marrying young, and living 100 miles away from my nearest relative. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm not sure if I know exactly who it is that is staring back through the glass.
Amid all my career paths it would seem to me that God does a funny little thing to remind me of just who I really am. How, you ask? God opens a door and lets a voice from what I perceive to be a more sensical past lifestyle to return into my throng of friends. He's creative in His choices too.
The last person that God put back in my life, goodness only knows I never thought I'd see him again. However his voice had been with me even during the 5 years we'd spent apart. You see, before the music industry was even a part of my world...I still loved music. This man's music and that of his friends, are, now a sonic yearbook for my collegiate experience. Years that, though confusing and difficult in their own ways, were filled with much more laughter than pain. For me, my memories are priceless. And as a writer, I remember them with a sharpness some find uncanny. Personally, I find that music only sharpens the images further. For that gift I am grateful.
I know that God puts people in my life for a season. Some seasons are long, some very, very, short. Others come and go sporadically. My favorites, though sometimes most complicated, are those I call the "As-neededs."
"As-needed" are those people in our life from whom we draw strength, centeredness and a realistic view of who we are now vis-a-vis the person we were the last time they entered our lives. Like living Ebenezers, these people often show us how far we've come, and sometimes, how far we have yet to go.
I have several "As-neededs" in my life. God is very jealous of my time. He knows that these "As-neededs" are often people whose attention and company I crave like a thirsty plant craves cool rain. So what does He do? He gives me their time and them mine, "as-needed."
I think I may be an "As-needed" for many people. Its hard. As such, people tend make use of you like a source from which to draw energy. Any good "as-needed" knows that can be just as enthralling as it is, well, draining. "As-neededs" are people built to give. Conversely, at least in my case, we have a real problem taking for ourselves and the words "No" or "that's enough" are really a challenge to come up with in context.
What a life as an "As-needed" has taught me is how to be an investor. Many people have stocks that they buy and sell with some measure of regularity. Most, if not the lion's share, of stocks are the type that ebb and flow in value with the business cycle. Friendships too have their cash cow times and times of barren restructuring. From the point of view of an "As-needed" who's attention is sought, we have to be so careful how much time we invest in a certain stock...er, person lest it become a losing investment.
Now, be mindful, I'm not trying to objectify emotional and intimate investment into the very dust. I only know that a relationship between people where one is totally dependent or continually drawing from the other person without any switching or time of less dependence lends itself to becoming unhealthy in a hurry.
I'll be the first to point the finger at myself. I'm lucky however. My favorite "As-needed" is sooooo much better at putting distance between us than I am and may ever be. It is why we are still the closest of friends to this day and why I will always feel an extremely logical and healthy kind of love for them.
As the "As-needed," it's so very hard for me to put up a hand and claim a need for distance from the one who I am needed by. In my more recent encounters, I seem to vanish a bit more often as a means of trying to get my point across.
Long described by my family and friends as a defuser, diplomat, intervention specialist, peace-maker...pick your moniker...I'm loathe to butt heads with someone who wants to dictate how much of my time they merit anymore. Perhaps its a function of growing up and growing older, but I find I am not investing in as many people if only for the fact that working for dear Uncle Sam takes a great deal of my time and, in doing so, have learned to empathize with others burdens....not carry them.
You may find it surprising that "As-neededs" have a hard time with forgiveness. What? Why? How? Well I'll tell you. First and foremost, "As-neededs" are very tolerant, patient people nearly and most often up to the point of self-deprication. We are not clingy and are easily spotted as that person you are friends with that you can not see for months, even years, at a time, but when you get back in touch...its as if no time has passed.
But, when someone is daft enough to cross the threshold we set for how much we can bear, they've done something that was either incredibly stupid, tragically cruel or plain old mind-blowingly wrong, wrong, wrong. The mind of the "As-needed" has a really hard time understanding why anyone would NEED to have pushed them to this point and we find its difficult to trust that the offending party will refrain from pushing our envelop on another occassion.
In the event of a wrong, wrong, wrong, forget it, you've lost us, we're outta there...don't call us, we'll call you when we're 6 months removed from the offense. Mercifully that kind of hurt has only happened to me once in my life as an "As-needed" and it was quite a number of years ago. By the way...he has NO idea how good it feels to finally forgive him. However, the ultimate conclusion is that, though he has my complete forgivness, he can count on never having my company, my counsel or my confidence again as long as we both live. It's just better that way.
Yes, that's the hardest thing to learn when you are an "As-needed," knowing when to not be available to certain people again. We love to give; so cutting people out of the picture is against our nature. But, to be fair to ourselves, we have to admit that some alliants or dependants are toxic and no measure of adjustment on our end will fix that or make us feel any less like a public utlity to them.
So what possible up-side is there to being an "As-needed." *wry grin* It's truly an awesome calling. From my vantage point, God's picked, hand-selected, me to trust with dropping into peoples's lives when they are dealing with some of the harder things they have yet encountered. No, its not all sweets and walks in the park. Its a lot of trudging through baggage and guilt and self-loathing. But "As-neededs" are the type which carry candles into the darkest corners of the people we encounter with boldness and sense of purpose. We do it without fear, with little or no expectation for ourselves but with every expectation that we're going to see something amazing happen. And it does, it really does.
But what about when an "As-needed's" time is up. Well, I have come to understand that each "As-needed" has their own type of exit strategy, or, God is pretty bold and plain about the fact that its quittin time. However, "As-neededs" are devoted people, and we can sometimes be pretty thick headed about when we believe its quitting time and what God's concept of time to cut bait actually is. Over-achiever is often a synonym for "As-needed." We're extra-mile people and that can be to our detriment.
I always think of Scott Bakula's character in Quantum Leap. He was the epitome of "As-needed." He would drop into lives at a point of critical mass and need to, with his objective pair of eyes, reason out the tragic flaw or potentially life threatening problem. It was only when that was fixed or accomplished that he would leap to his next situation. Now, in most cases, I've never necessarily helped mitigate lethal circumstances. But I know that objective wisdom can change perspective, and perspective can bring hope. And hope...well that's a priceless gift that we all need.
So I suspect that "As-neededs" are bringers of hope. We honestly and earnestly want the best for those who are in our lives; and, like Scott Bakula, we're searching for those who help bring out the best in ourselves. What an amazing thing to be a person who garners a sense of accomplishment in this way. What a humbling gift.
posted by Odessa78 | 1:49 PM
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