More on my calender....
How interesting it is; I remarked to a friend, that when one finds oneself in a relationship, there seems to suddenly be so much to DO.
Only a few simple months ago I waxed poetic about banana cream pie and an impossible arrangement of meetings at my dear friend's camp. Dear reader, it should come as no surprise that the last few months have been a myriad of ups and downs with more up than down which is why...I'm making more pie tomorrow night.
In the last few months I have taken a serious shine to my blackberry. I say that because I think I have asked my darling paramour a few too many times, "what exactly are we doing this weekend????" But the ubiquitous plural possessive pronoun is a symbol of change all by itself; for "we" has so much more to do with what you discover with another person than what you even bring to the plate.
10 Lessons learned of late as a We rather than a Me:
But then number 3 comes along...and my significant (and he is) other begins to lavish me with the same little morsels of TLC. Only this time something utterly astonishing arises! This man actively goes out of his way to illicit in me the sincere belief that I'm truly being cherished...and pursued! What's more, he seems to do it for the same "high" that I truly relish...in other words, just because he likes to see me smile.
I will admit fully that I have never been the type of woman to say "oh well, yes, I'm attractive." I've never felt that way particularly...I mean, I don't think I'm, to coin a term, 'pug ugly' and I have been told I'm pretty by people but I just never felt good about saying it about myself. It probably sounds like false modesty...but I assure you it absolutely a darker driving force. Its the still small voice that says "be careful, the moment you feel good about yourself, someone will undoubtedly remind you that you shouldn't." Ah the demons of the past...
This voice has a new enemy in the form of this gentleman who, just today, declared, "Hate all you want... I'm still comin' for ya. Miss Nasty-little-voice is doomed." That nasty voice has really got a formidable foe as this man does NOT like to be directly contradicted when he believes he is in the right. Me, unfortunately...I seem only to be able to puff up my cheeks and roll my eyes when he calls me his "beauty worth waiting for." Humor is truly the most user-friendly defensive response.
Ahem...back to my list:
Lesson 4: I suppose boundaries exist on many planes, but the usual suspects are to be expected...they are personal...and so why on earth would I put them here? But a piece of this spectrum exists which is fit for public consumption that lends itself more toward introspective assessment. It begs the questions...."Are all my boundaries really boundaries? Or are some of them elaborate defense mechanisms built not to preserve me but to keep others away from me?"
Again these assertions in specific are not fodder for public display but it must be said that on both parts it appears we have had to do some deconstruction in order to further construct our "us." The only way this has worked....man oh man...is because we share some serious faith. If we did not have the Lord seated at the center of our decision-making processes...yeah we'd be in sore shape.
Lesson number 5 (golden rules la la la....ahem...sorry) To the end that boundaries are good, and Christ at the center is a good compass...it makes one sit up and pay attention to how many areas of a relationship have to be submitted to that standard. After a while...I won't lie to you, that man's face....and being near him can be a bit of an all-consuming desire. Where pit-falls go...yeah this can be a big one...for both parties. And so keeping my eyes open and my ears as well...I noticed on more than 2 occasions that our story would stagnate a tad and upon further reflection...it would happen when we spent too many "date nights" only in each others' company having a movie night in.
Its a strange thought I'm sure, as it seems counter-intuitive, but couples need community. I'm mentioning this because a very wise friend of mine, she once counseled me that one ought never to mistake their significant other for the person who will fulfill all your emotional needs. Its illogical, improbable and indisputably isolating.
I've had more fun learning about how he learns, in our small group, hanging out with other couples and seeing how he interacts with other men, and how he accommodates women altogether as he interacts with my key ladies. A word to the wise darlings...when he texts to see if you got to your girls night out and asks you to be sure you tell the girls hello...he's honestly glad you are having community time. *green light*
Point 6: Darts and bowling....ok so the darts are random. We played because there was a wait to get a bowling lane. This.man.loves.bowling.like.whoa!!! In our early days of dating he explained to me that he had been a seriously angry competitor in his youth. You know the type what screams at the TV during (enter sport here) and storms off staying mad for hours/days if the (enter game type here) did not end to his liking.
In all my interactions with him I must say I'd never seen this in him. But playing games more and more with him I have seen signs simmering beneath the surface. Very very mild, but familiar as a previous relationship with a man who actually fit that hot-headed description left me more than wary. I would find myself wondering "Should I throw the game? I don't need to win...what if he gets mad at me!?!"
Okay first of all if a man EVER does that to you it is an undeniable red flag!! If a man can't play with you,...really just kick back and have fun...this is not a good signal. However nervous...I had fun tossing darts and made it a point to laugh at MYSELF as well as use encouraging words and gentle ribbing toward him until I realized...he was really having fun and wow what a fun way to flirt!
The bowling let me learn an important lesson in practice...team dynamics. Not only did I try to enjoy myself and bowl a decent game...I made it a point to cheer for him and purposefully choose words of encouragement. And even though he didn't bowl as well as he seemed to want to...something incredible began to happen...he began to do the same for me...coach and teach me a little. It felt wonderful. I have no idea who won...really I couldn't tell you the scores (I'm certain he can) but what I do remember are the quick kisses, high fives done with crossed arms when one of us knocked down all 10 pins and the sight of him making gobbling sounds when I hit something called a turkey. My efforts were rewarded in the end when he actually told me afterward that what he enjoyed most of all was my voice behind him cheering him on.
Lesson 7 is really more compromise...melded with the boundary/wall distinction. I was raised a NY Giants fan. I really really like football...heck it was this love that initially got the two of us chatting in the first place. However...after an almost NY Mets caliber meltdown...my beloved Giants didn't even make the playoffs...Harumph.
Green is not only his favorite color...his NY Jets are a physical manifestation of his ability to be passionate about both the color and the sport! In truth...I couldn't tell you very much about this team. I confess I paid almost no attention to them. But when they arrived in the post season...I couldn't mistake that hopeful visage on my sweetheart and I wanted to be part of the adventure.
When I arrived at his mother's home to watch the Jets/Patriots game (in order to correctly convey his distaste for the Patriots...the word is vitriol) it was remarked that I was some type of traitor for wearing a pink Jets jersey for the festivities. I smiled very contentedly...fully having prepared for this type of commentary, and simply asserted, "No no...I'm not posing as a Jets fan, I'm not a NY Jets fan, I'm a fan of my man. So I'm cheering with him." This lesson really should be called "Its not always about me." Needless to say...I was awarded with many proverbial gold stars.
This is a great time to stop and make note that "It's not always just about me and what I want" is really a saving grace mantra of sorts when attempting to successfully stoke and maintain the fires of a courtship. When we make it all about us, it turns out that we downplay our partner and I want my partner empowered and to be empowered in kind. Saying this I will ask that you, dear reader, apply the same thoughts to how well we have turned Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune into party trick caliber stunts done by the smart "couple" in the room rather than just need for he or me to be the lone star. Besides...the high-fives are something to see. *wink*
Lesson 9 is an altogether different scenario. I have a very small family. It didn't used to be, however we are very small now. We more embody the quote from Lilo & Stitch where the little blue fella describes his family as "little, and broken....but still good." Though good, I miss the big family gatherings the gobs of cousins and the NOISE. Some would say its crazy to miss noisy relatives but the symbiotic rhythm of relatives co-mingling is wonderful. It smacks of community and involvement and generally people investing in you, your life and your choices because they love you.
His family is ENORMOUS! The funny part is that he was almost apologetic about their numbers and volume at the outset. True, at first it was a little overwhelming...but that was mostly just because it was so many new names/faces at once. I despise not knowing people so that I can call them by name. Personal pet peeve. Otherwise...it was a comfortably intense setting that took me back to the family I was missing on my own. In my wanderings through the large home of his aunt and uncle I met so many fun and loving people. I was welcomed into a kitchen, offered to cook, made a point to help clean and listened to as many stories as I could take in at a time.
Being snowed in around Christmas let me be cared for while sick, watch more family traditions and learn to be a gracious recipient of care. His aunt however, caught me by surprise. On my own I had surmised that there had likely been few if any women in my sweetheart's history who had ever been kind to him in the ways I so dearly enjoy. Moreover, I was given the chance to see him through their eyes. An incredible perspective; they love him because of his big, kind, gentle, quirky, distinctive heart. What a coincidence. Me too.
On the morning after the big Christmas blizzard I thanked his Aunt for taking in a relative stranger and letting me drink her clean out of mint tea in my sniffly state. She smiled warmly, put her hand on mine and said, "You're welcome Hanna. You have no idea how welcome you are."
His mother and siblings are another story...a good story too. Again...with respect to privacy which he and I truly enjoy, I certainly won't give specifics here...but I will say that this group represents another place where I thought I would be made to prove myself worthy when in reality I was met with a place wherein I could be appreciated as is. I have built bridges with the repairs I'd done in my own family through faith and even use some of the special gifts God blessed me with in my work place.
The secret to so much of this has been three-fold. Time to invest in myself and my partner as a pair and to understand how he came to be the man he is, prayer for all those things and a willingness to do more listening than talking because at the end of all this...if the usual heady Hanna had showed up and bossed and controlled her way through it all...I'd never have learned any of these things.
And ya know....I really make great lamb ;)
Lesson 10 ----- Two nights ago, all these lessons paid dividends for us both. For all the things we'd done...this was brand new and like all good things it wasn't planned to the teeth by either of us. While fulfilling another of our calendar appointments at a party for a friend in common, we found ourselves at a beautiful restaurant, dressed better than we'd ever been in each others' company, enjoying the company of our community. Then the icing...the DJ. In all our adventures, sports, car-rides, to-do's etc,...we'd never danced. I'm convinced we weren't ready to dance until then. Because all these months of learning, living, and leaning on the Lord and each other, brought us to a place where Garth Brooks crooned "To make you feel my love." We swayed simply on a small dance floor, to a song that talks about a love that would cross boundaries, build bridges and strip away all the old to make a way to a good new place where love can be perceived by all 5 senses.
As we swayed, the room shrank and the voices faded...and there in front of me, I saw him, maybe for the first time. I saw my love...and he saw me, and it was so very good.
Only a few simple months ago I waxed poetic about banana cream pie and an impossible arrangement of meetings at my dear friend's camp. Dear reader, it should come as no surprise that the last few months have been a myriad of ups and downs with more up than down which is why...I'm making more pie tomorrow night.
In the last few months I have taken a serious shine to my blackberry. I say that because I think I have asked my darling paramour a few too many times, "what exactly are we doing this weekend????" But the ubiquitous plural possessive pronoun is a symbol of change all by itself; for "we" has so much more to do with what you discover with another person than what you even bring to the plate.
10 Lessons learned of late as a We rather than a Me:
- How to cook lamb in any and all formats and ensure that mint is somehow included
- How to recognize the "hungry grumpies"
- How to accept compliments (current grade...C+) I'm being generous to myself
- How to know where my boundaries are, and where his are and vice-versa
- How to know when there have been too many "stay in the house" dates
- How to play darts and bowl and win and lose
- How to cheer for the New York Jets, and mean it.
- How to win, and lose at Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune
- How to intermingle with a large, loud family...which isn't the one I was born into.
- How to slow dance ... and forget there is anyone else in the room.
But then number 3 comes along...and my significant (and he is) other begins to lavish me with the same little morsels of TLC. Only this time something utterly astonishing arises! This man actively goes out of his way to illicit in me the sincere belief that I'm truly being cherished...and pursued! What's more, he seems to do it for the same "high" that I truly relish...in other words, just because he likes to see me smile.
I will admit fully that I have never been the type of woman to say "oh well, yes, I'm attractive." I've never felt that way particularly...I mean, I don't think I'm, to coin a term, 'pug ugly' and I have been told I'm pretty by people but I just never felt good about saying it about myself. It probably sounds like false modesty...but I assure you it absolutely a darker driving force. Its the still small voice that says "be careful, the moment you feel good about yourself, someone will undoubtedly remind you that you shouldn't." Ah the demons of the past...
This voice has a new enemy in the form of this gentleman who, just today, declared, "Hate all you want... I'm still comin' for ya. Miss Nasty-little-voice is doomed." That nasty voice has really got a formidable foe as this man does NOT like to be directly contradicted when he believes he is in the right. Me, unfortunately...I seem only to be able to puff up my cheeks and roll my eyes when he calls me his "beauty worth waiting for." Humor is truly the most user-friendly defensive response.
Ahem...back to my list:
Lesson 4: I suppose boundaries exist on many planes, but the usual suspects are to be expected...they are personal...and so why on earth would I put them here? But a piece of this spectrum exists which is fit for public consumption that lends itself more toward introspective assessment. It begs the questions...."Are all my boundaries really boundaries? Or are some of them elaborate defense mechanisms built not to preserve me but to keep others away from me?"
Again these assertions in specific are not fodder for public display but it must be said that on both parts it appears we have had to do some deconstruction in order to further construct our "us." The only way this has worked....man oh man...is because we share some serious faith. If we did not have the Lord seated at the center of our decision-making processes...yeah we'd be in sore shape.
Lesson number 5 (golden rules la la la....ahem...sorry) To the end that boundaries are good, and Christ at the center is a good compass...it makes one sit up and pay attention to how many areas of a relationship have to be submitted to that standard. After a while...I won't lie to you, that man's face....and being near him can be a bit of an all-consuming desire. Where pit-falls go...yeah this can be a big one...for both parties. And so keeping my eyes open and my ears as well...I noticed on more than 2 occasions that our story would stagnate a tad and upon further reflection...it would happen when we spent too many "date nights" only in each others' company having a movie night in.
Its a strange thought I'm sure, as it seems counter-intuitive, but couples need community. I'm mentioning this because a very wise friend of mine, she once counseled me that one ought never to mistake their significant other for the person who will fulfill all your emotional needs. Its illogical, improbable and indisputably isolating.
I've had more fun learning about how he learns, in our small group, hanging out with other couples and seeing how he interacts with other men, and how he accommodates women altogether as he interacts with my key ladies. A word to the wise darlings...when he texts to see if you got to your girls night out and asks you to be sure you tell the girls hello...he's honestly glad you are having community time. *green light*
Point 6: Darts and bowling....ok so the darts are random. We played because there was a wait to get a bowling lane. This.man.loves.bowling.like.whoa!!! In our early days of dating he explained to me that he had been a seriously angry competitor in his youth. You know the type what screams at the TV during (enter sport here) and storms off staying mad for hours/days if the (enter game type here) did not end to his liking.
In all my interactions with him I must say I'd never seen this in him. But playing games more and more with him I have seen signs simmering beneath the surface. Very very mild, but familiar as a previous relationship with a man who actually fit that hot-headed description left me more than wary. I would find myself wondering "Should I throw the game? I don't need to win...what if he gets mad at me!?!"
Okay first of all if a man EVER does that to you it is an undeniable red flag!! If a man can't play with you,...really just kick back and have fun...this is not a good signal. However nervous...I had fun tossing darts and made it a point to laugh at MYSELF as well as use encouraging words and gentle ribbing toward him until I realized...he was really having fun and wow what a fun way to flirt!
The bowling let me learn an important lesson in practice...team dynamics. Not only did I try to enjoy myself and bowl a decent game...I made it a point to cheer for him and purposefully choose words of encouragement. And even though he didn't bowl as well as he seemed to want to...something incredible began to happen...he began to do the same for me...coach and teach me a little. It felt wonderful. I have no idea who won...really I couldn't tell you the scores (I'm certain he can) but what I do remember are the quick kisses, high fives done with crossed arms when one of us knocked down all 10 pins and the sight of him making gobbling sounds when I hit something called a turkey. My efforts were rewarded in the end when he actually told me afterward that what he enjoyed most of all was my voice behind him cheering him on.
Lesson 7 is really more compromise...melded with the boundary/wall distinction. I was raised a NY Giants fan. I really really like football...heck it was this love that initially got the two of us chatting in the first place. However...after an almost NY Mets caliber meltdown...my beloved Giants didn't even make the playoffs...Harumph.
Green is not only his favorite color...his NY Jets are a physical manifestation of his ability to be passionate about both the color and the sport! In truth...I couldn't tell you very much about this team. I confess I paid almost no attention to them. But when they arrived in the post season...I couldn't mistake that hopeful visage on my sweetheart and I wanted to be part of the adventure.
When I arrived at his mother's home to watch the Jets/Patriots game (in order to correctly convey his distaste for the Patriots...the word is vitriol) it was remarked that I was some type of traitor for wearing a pink Jets jersey for the festivities. I smiled very contentedly...fully having prepared for this type of commentary, and simply asserted, "No no...I'm not posing as a Jets fan, I'm not a NY Jets fan, I'm a fan of my man. So I'm cheering with him." This lesson really should be called "Its not always about me." Needless to say...I was awarded with many proverbial gold stars.
This is a great time to stop and make note that "It's not always just about me and what I want" is really a saving grace mantra of sorts when attempting to successfully stoke and maintain the fires of a courtship. When we make it all about us, it turns out that we downplay our partner and I want my partner empowered and to be empowered in kind. Saying this I will ask that you, dear reader, apply the same thoughts to how well we have turned Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune into party trick caliber stunts done by the smart "couple" in the room rather than just need for he or me to be the lone star. Besides...the high-fives are something to see. *wink*
Lesson 9 is an altogether different scenario. I have a very small family. It didn't used to be, however we are very small now. We more embody the quote from Lilo & Stitch where the little blue fella describes his family as "little, and broken....but still good." Though good, I miss the big family gatherings the gobs of cousins and the NOISE. Some would say its crazy to miss noisy relatives but the symbiotic rhythm of relatives co-mingling is wonderful. It smacks of community and involvement and generally people investing in you, your life and your choices because they love you.
His family is ENORMOUS! The funny part is that he was almost apologetic about their numbers and volume at the outset. True, at first it was a little overwhelming...but that was mostly just because it was so many new names/faces at once. I despise not knowing people so that I can call them by name. Personal pet peeve. Otherwise...it was a comfortably intense setting that took me back to the family I was missing on my own. In my wanderings through the large home of his aunt and uncle I met so many fun and loving people. I was welcomed into a kitchen, offered to cook, made a point to help clean and listened to as many stories as I could take in at a time.
Being snowed in around Christmas let me be cared for while sick, watch more family traditions and learn to be a gracious recipient of care. His aunt however, caught me by surprise. On my own I had surmised that there had likely been few if any women in my sweetheart's history who had ever been kind to him in the ways I so dearly enjoy. Moreover, I was given the chance to see him through their eyes. An incredible perspective; they love him because of his big, kind, gentle, quirky, distinctive heart. What a coincidence. Me too.
On the morning after the big Christmas blizzard I thanked his Aunt for taking in a relative stranger and letting me drink her clean out of mint tea in my sniffly state. She smiled warmly, put her hand on mine and said, "You're welcome Hanna. You have no idea how welcome you are."
His mother and siblings are another story...a good story too. Again...with respect to privacy which he and I truly enjoy, I certainly won't give specifics here...but I will say that this group represents another place where I thought I would be made to prove myself worthy when in reality I was met with a place wherein I could be appreciated as is. I have built bridges with the repairs I'd done in my own family through faith and even use some of the special gifts God blessed me with in my work place.
The secret to so much of this has been three-fold. Time to invest in myself and my partner as a pair and to understand how he came to be the man he is, prayer for all those things and a willingness to do more listening than talking because at the end of all this...if the usual heady Hanna had showed up and bossed and controlled her way through it all...I'd never have learned any of these things.
And ya know....I really make great lamb ;)
Lesson 10 ----- Two nights ago, all these lessons paid dividends for us both. For all the things we'd done...this was brand new and like all good things it wasn't planned to the teeth by either of us. While fulfilling another of our calendar appointments at a party for a friend in common, we found ourselves at a beautiful restaurant, dressed better than we'd ever been in each others' company, enjoying the company of our community. Then the icing...the DJ. In all our adventures, sports, car-rides, to-do's etc,...we'd never danced. I'm convinced we weren't ready to dance until then. Because all these months of learning, living, and leaning on the Lord and each other, brought us to a place where Garth Brooks crooned "To make you feel my love." We swayed simply on a small dance floor, to a song that talks about a love that would cross boundaries, build bridges and strip away all the old to make a way to a good new place where love can be perceived by all 5 senses.
As we swayed, the room shrank and the voices faded...and there in front of me, I saw him, maybe for the first time. I saw my love...and he saw me, and it was so very good.
Labels: christianity, couples, encouragement, love
posted by Odessa78 | 3:48 PM
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